Today is the day I stopped exclusively breastfeeding/ pumping for my daughter. The decision did not come lightly. It has been days in the making, partnered with a lot – a lot—of tears.

I tried, I really did. I feel like a failure that I gave up, or that my body gave up. I told my husband, in life if I don’t know how to do something, I usually can learn about it and accomplish it – not this. Throughout my pregnancy I looked forward to breastfeeding. I wanted to bond with my daughter in that way and so many people made it look so easy, so why wouldn’t it be easy for me?

The beginning – in the beginning I thought we were doing fine. We found a position she liked, sitting up, straddling me. She would suck and suck and in the beginning it was fine. I think at about two weeks that proved to not be enough.  I noticed she would not sleep like other babies. It was maybe in 30-minute spurts. Her eyes were red from being tired, but she would never fall asleep. I started pumping to see if I had anything left, and turns out I did. So why wasn’t she able to get it all from me?

The middle – so near the end of the second week into her third week I whisked her off to the doctor because of constant crying. I was crying because I couldn’t figure out was wrong and she was crying because she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t meeting her needs. Was my baby colicky? Did she have acid reflux? No, the doctor said she was hungry. Talk about a blow to the gut. Basically I was starving her and I didn’t know it. I saw a lactation consultant who said she had a bad suck. She was working really hard to get milk and tiring herself out. She helped by showing me I should massage my boobs while the baby was latched, but after a few attempts at that, we were back to a lot of crying and endless… I mean endless hours of feeding.

The end – I knew I was near the end when I would dread everyday. I would dread feeding time and I would dread hearing my baby cry. The killer was when I just hated being a mom. No one should ever feel that way. I loved this baby so much, but I hated what I had become. I cried, I cried everyday while researching my options – I took Fenugreek to increase my supply.. that did not work and some of the side effects, yuck; I tried to exclusively pump.. that made me even crazier since I had to pump every two hours (every four during the middle of the night). All I thought about was pumping and feeding my baby. I could not enjoy this time, yet I struggled with the decision to throw in the towel.

I had to mourn the loss of the joy I thought breastfeeding would bring to me. It did not bring me joy, but I hated to let go. So I ripped the “band-aid” off today and supplemented with formula. I cried when she took it no problem and sucked it down, but you know what – she was happier, the whole day was better and my husband even remarked at how much better the day seemed.