Oh, the plans and aspirations I had before having Maisie were grand. Breastfeeding, babywearing and cloth diapering. Jesus, why didn’t you people tell me! I am sure there are plenty of times you wanted to tell me, but I understand holding back and letting the new mama figure it all out. I see myself doing that now and I am very cautious to hand out "advice" or tips.

We know how breastfeeding turned out. If you don’t know, you can read here.

Babywearing is fine. I wish I did it more, but it was a lifesaver during the colic stage.

However, let’s talk cloth diapering. When Maisie was born, I started her on disposables because it was just easier at that point and the cloth diapers I bought her were not for newborns. Every few weeks I would try to see if she was big enough for them. They finally fit her in the belly around 8 weeks, but her thighs were still too skinny and they were gappy. I haven’t tried them on her in a while to see if they would fit, but now that I am back to work, I am at the point of giving up before I even start. 

I wanted her to wear them and us get use to them while I was home. That didn’t happen. With everything else that went on her first three months of life, I just want something to be easy. I did my research, I know the pros and cons about each, but right now, I want to keep my head above water. We have finally hit a stride, a good point and I just don't know if I can add anything else to possibly disrupt that.

Maybe if I was a stay-at-home mom and could devote time to it, it would be more appealing at this stage. I hate laundry. It’s easy to throw things in the washing machine and dryer, but then you have to fold that stuff and put it away. I still have a heaping pile of clean laundry on my bedroom floor that I do not have the energy to put away.

And then there is daycare. Most daycares support cloth diapering, but how much more energy would that take in the morning to get my kid, her bottles and her diapers ready in the morning. And those women who take care of the kids, I feel like I could not ask them to do it. They are taking care of several kids at one time and I can barely take care of one at any moment in time.

The sad thing is I have a great stash of beautiful cloth diapers. Pockets, AIOs, Prefolds, everything. I bought several different kinds because I wanted to see what would work for us. I even bought the sprayer when I realized breastfeeding was out. The diapers were washed and prepped and ready to go, but I think it’s time to let that dream go. 

So go on, tell me "I told you so..." I can take it, I think.

Yet, I realize whether I cloth diaper or not, my kid will be fine. This is ringing true over and over.

Anyone want to buy some cloth diapers?

I appreciate everyone who reached out and left me a nice note about my breastfeeding struggles. It’s funny because so many people said they went through the same thing, or they understand because it was hard for them, but why does no one ever talk about how hard it is? I knew having a baby and raising a newborn would be a struggle, but I never thought it would be this hard.

Social media makes everyone look like they have it all together. The bad – screaming, gas, breastfeeding issues, poop (got pooped on for the first time over the weekend!), late nights… it’s never discussed unless it’s in a close-knit mommy group where you feel like you can be open and honest. Well here I am being open and honest – it sucks!

I feel sometimes like my kid never sleeps and why is she crying even after I have changed her and fed her? All the classes and books say you’ll figure out their cries – I still have no idea. Is it too early to figure them out? Why does she not sleep when her eyes are heavy, rolling back in her head? It’s like she has toothpicks in her eye lids to hold them open and will fight it so much. And then when you Google or read online other mommies had their babies sleeping at 5 or 6 weeks? OMG that makes me want to cry.

BUT, I know I am the one putting the stress and pressure on myself. I recognize it. I am the one striving to be the best mom and it’s tough. I can see why people wear and break down. I need to learn how to let go and relax a little.

And, it all hasn’t been bad. We have had some successes and some products that have made life easier. (I will blog about those at a later time.) I love my girl to death. She is adorable and looks just like her dad. I think she has his personality – oh lordy! I can’t wait to dress her up, take her out and be my mini me. That’s why you have kids right?

Again, thanks for all the positive feedback. It’s nice to know other people struggled and made it through.

For those that went back to work… I’d love to know how the transition went and what I can do to make it go smooth.

Today is the day I stopped exclusively breastfeeding/ pumping for my daughter. The decision did not come lightly. It has been days in the making, partnered with a lot – a lot—of tears.

I tried, I really did. I feel like a failure that I gave up, or that my body gave up. I told my husband, in life if I don’t know how to do something, I usually can learn about it and accomplish it – not this. Throughout my pregnancy I looked forward to breastfeeding. I wanted to bond with my daughter in that way and so many people made it look so easy, so why wouldn’t it be easy for me?

The beginning – in the beginning I thought we were doing fine. We found a position she liked, sitting up, straddling me. She would suck and suck and in the beginning it was fine. I think at about two weeks that proved to not be enough.  I noticed she would not sleep like other babies. It was maybe in 30-minute spurts. Her eyes were red from being tired, but she would never fall asleep. I started pumping to see if I had anything left, and turns out I did. So why wasn’t she able to get it all from me?

The middle – so near the end of the second week into her third week I whisked her off to the doctor because of constant crying. I was crying because I couldn’t figure out was wrong and she was crying because she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t meeting her needs. Was my baby colicky? Did she have acid reflux? No, the doctor said she was hungry. Talk about a blow to the gut. Basically I was starving her and I didn’t know it. I saw a lactation consultant who said she had a bad suck. She was working really hard to get milk and tiring herself out. She helped by showing me I should massage my boobs while the baby was latched, but after a few attempts at that, we were back to a lot of crying and endless… I mean endless hours of feeding.

The end – I knew I was near the end when I would dread everyday. I would dread feeding time and I would dread hearing my baby cry. The killer was when I just hated being a mom. No one should ever feel that way. I loved this baby so much, but I hated what I had become. I cried, I cried everyday while researching my options – I took Fenugreek to increase my supply.. that did not work and some of the side effects, yuck; I tried to exclusively pump.. that made me even crazier since I had to pump every two hours (every four during the middle of the night). All I thought about was pumping and feeding my baby. I could not enjoy this time, yet I struggled with the decision to throw in the towel.

I had to mourn the loss of the joy I thought breastfeeding would bring to me. It did not bring me joy, but I hated to let go. So I ripped the “band-aid” off today and supplemented with formula. I cried when she took it no problem and sucked it down, but you know what – she was happier, the whole day was better and my husband even remarked at how much better the day seemed.