Today is the day I stopped exclusively breastfeeding/ pumping for my daughter. The decision did not come lightly. It has been days in the making, partnered with a lot – a lot—of tears.

I tried, I really did. I feel like a failure that I gave up, or that my body gave up. I told my husband, in life if I don’t know how to do something, I usually can learn about it and accomplish it – not this. Throughout my pregnancy I looked forward to breastfeeding. I wanted to bond with my daughter in that way and so many people made it look so easy, so why wouldn’t it be easy for me?

The beginning – in the beginning I thought we were doing fine. We found a position she liked, sitting up, straddling me. She would suck and suck and in the beginning it was fine. I think at about two weeks that proved to not be enough.  I noticed she would not sleep like other babies. It was maybe in 30-minute spurts. Her eyes were red from being tired, but she would never fall asleep. I started pumping to see if I had anything left, and turns out I did. So why wasn’t she able to get it all from me?

The middle – so near the end of the second week into her third week I whisked her off to the doctor because of constant crying. I was crying because I couldn’t figure out was wrong and she was crying because she wasn’t happy and I wasn’t meeting her needs. Was my baby colicky? Did she have acid reflux? No, the doctor said she was hungry. Talk about a blow to the gut. Basically I was starving her and I didn’t know it. I saw a lactation consultant who said she had a bad suck. She was working really hard to get milk and tiring herself out. She helped by showing me I should massage my boobs while the baby was latched, but after a few attempts at that, we were back to a lot of crying and endless… I mean endless hours of feeding.

The end – I knew I was near the end when I would dread everyday. I would dread feeding time and I would dread hearing my baby cry. The killer was when I just hated being a mom. No one should ever feel that way. I loved this baby so much, but I hated what I had become. I cried, I cried everyday while researching my options – I took Fenugreek to increase my supply.. that did not work and some of the side effects, yuck; I tried to exclusively pump.. that made me even crazier since I had to pump every two hours (every four during the middle of the night). All I thought about was pumping and feeding my baby. I could not enjoy this time, yet I struggled with the decision to throw in the towel.

I had to mourn the loss of the joy I thought breastfeeding would bring to me. It did not bring me joy, but I hated to let go. So I ripped the “band-aid” off today and supplemented with formula. I cried when she took it no problem and sucked it down, but you know what – she was happier, the whole day was better and my husband even remarked at how much better the day seemed.

I know this post is meaningless to some but I wanted to get Maisie’s birth story down on “paper” so it’s there to remember and available to whomever so they can take what they want from it.

Before I even gave birth, I had developed a birth plan with some assistance from my doula, Amanda, and my own research. I reviewed it with one of the doctors in my OB office and was happy with the birth I had planned for myself. I am sharing it here.

As you can see, I was not opposed to medicine, but I wanted the least intervention as possible until I was ready. I wanted to see how far I could go on my own. I also had strong feelings about being with my baby right after she was born. Thankfully, the doctor I reviewed my birth plan with is the doctor who delivered Maisie, so she was up to speed and we had already come to agreement on anything she wasn’t comfortable with.

So, on with the story.

The week of June 8 my OB said that she believed I wouldn’t make my due date of June 28, this is because at my appointment I was already 4cm dilated and 80 percent effaced. To put it in perspective, many first time moms go past their due date and are induced at 0/0, so basically I was halfway to where I needed to be to push out a baby.

That following weekend I thought I should finally get all my stuff in order. The bag was packed, we washed and cleaned the car and cleaned the house. I am sure going up and down the stairs in my house helped things along. I was also drinking Red Raspberry tea, and trying anything natural to move things along. By this point I was over being pregnant.

Sunday, June 14, Daniel and I just laid around until he needed to get ready to go to the Orlando City Soccer Game. As he got up to change I felt a pop in my belly. It was very different from the kicks I had been feeling so I got up to use the restroom. When I hit the restroom I knew my water had broke because water came gushing out. I yelled to Daniel, “Come here, I don’t think you’re going to the game!”

I started shaking because I was both terrified and excited. It was finally time to meet the baby girl, but what was ahead of me was all foreign so I was nervous at what the future held. I called Amanda and let her know what happened. She was great at talking me through the next steps and what I needed to do at home before I went to the hospital. At this point it was 3 p.m. and I didn’t have any contractions. Daniel and I sat down at the kitchen table while he had a quick drink to calm his nerves and me to collect my thoughts.  We left for the hospital around 4 p.m.

I hung out in triage for a while, not sure the timing here, but Amanda and my parents started showing up. As I am sitting in triage, my water just kept gushing. At one point I had to change my pants because I had soaked through them, even though I had taken every precaution not to.  I started to feel small contractions as I was sitting in triage waiting to be taken back. Once I was taken back, Daniel joined me and that is when the process started for taking vitals, and seeing where we were. I was 5cm and 100 percent effaced. So moving along nicely.

I think by 7 p.m. I was finally taken to labor and delivery to continue the birth process. I had an AWESOME nurse named Natalie and found out my favorite OB (there are seven doctors in my OB office) was on call. She came and chatted with me and we talked through the next steps. I was also her only delivery that night so she could spend her time with me, a nice thing to know, as the contractions got stronger.

Contractions were coming more frequent and I was waiting to get a wireless monitor so I could continue the process out of the bed. However, things were moving really fast and the wireless monitor wasn’t received by the time the pain got really bad.

Not sure of the time here, but by the time I was 8cm and trying other birthing positions, I said the magic word and got an epidural. The pain was really severe and I was screaming, something I didn’t really want to do. But I am happy I did get the epidural because I was able to “enjoy” the process more. I didn’t get the “walking” epidural but for some reason I was still able to feel my legs and use them throughout the process. It did take the edge off the pain so then I felt better. Soon after however, it was time to start pushing. Basically, I felt like my body was making me push so the doctor and nurse decided it was time to push. This was at a little before midnight.

Amanda was amazing because she talked me through pushes, and reminded me where to push and kept me calm. She never tried to change my mind about any decisions and was a great liaison between the nurse and doctor if I was unsure. She also was a help to remind me to have a popsicle or ice so I wouldn’t get dehydrated. Daniel was also great just being there for support. He was a champ through the whole thing and tried to keep my mind off the pain by giving me updates to the Orlando City Soccer score – they won! And talking about other things that were not birth related.

I tried four pushing positions until I found the one I liked the best and that was most effective. It was a piece of stretchy cloth over a bar and I would pull myself into the crunch position using the cloth and then push. After about an hour and a half, Maisie Lucille made her appearance. But that wasn’t before she wanted to come out with her hands up and the doctor had to rearrange her. Talk about pain!

Little Miss was a healthy 7 pounds 4 ounces and 21.5 inches long at 1:32 a.m. on June 15. She has a cute little angel kiss birth mark on her leg and a nice head of hair, surprising since I didn’t have nay hair when I was born.

All in all I was very happy with my experience, as I went with my birth plan, and it was fairly quick and the pain was manageable. Not that I had ever gone through that much pain in my life, but it was over before I knew it.

Daniel and I stayed in the hospital two nights and then asked to go home if it was possible. They said yes, so we were home by Tuesday, June 16 and then we were on our own!

I’ll post more about being on our own, our challenges, triumphs, what works and doesn’t work for us and anything else I am finding to talk about.

I am using this blog as a way to share my feelings, not only for someone else to read, but also as therapy for myself. I normally am writing everyday for a living, so having this outlet really helps.

Any ladies wear men's fragrance?

I posed this question on my Facebook page and got a lot of surprising feedback from friends who wear men’s cologne on a daily basis or for special occasions. I had never thought about it nor did it, so I was excited to try it when Influenster sent me a sample of Calvin Klein’s REVEAL for Men.

I received the sample in the mail and it included a nice, slim card holder. I am totally going to use it for those times we go out and I only want to take my driver’s license and credit card. It will prevent them from just floating in whatever small bag I have. So thanks for the extra gift on top of the sample.

I don’t like to wear heavy fragrance or new fragrance to the office because you never know how it will effect someone, so I tried wearing it Saturday morning while Daniel and I were running around. I put it on and wasn’t sure of the smell for me right off the bat. It was a little woodsy to me and I usually wear pretty girlie and light scents. The REVEAL for Men was light, but I felt like it definitely screamed, “She’s wearing men’s cologne.” I asked Daniel what he thought and he said it smelled great on me. As the day pressed on it wasn’t as strong, which I am thankful for, but I'm still not sure if I would ever wear it out again.

The sample did get me interested in trying out REVEAL for Women since I liked the REVEAL for Men, just not for me. Next time I am in Macy’s I’ll make sure to stop and give it a smell.

Here’s the somewhat racy advertisement for REVEAL for Men.

If you are interested in Influenster, leave a comment and I will send you a code to get started.